Look back at Nov and Dec

I realise that it has been a good 2 months since I last blogged.  The reason I started to blog is to capture the fleeting thoughts and make sense of them…. The days and months have passed me quickly by.

Aug was the announcement of the reorganisation at work. I start tomorrow with a new boss and new teammates.  Hope the new setup is more beneficial for my personal growth journey!

Nov and Dec were trying months.
15 Nov: start of school holidays.  My ILs arrive with SIL's 1-and-a-half year old daughter N in tow.  They bring lots of stuff over with a baby, some of which are still cluttering up my home today.  I shall bring the playpen, diapers, baby bottle detergent, baby bottle brush and baby clothes back to my SIL when I return to MY for CNY.
I receive news at work that my presence is necessary for a workshop on 28 Nov, 2 weeks before the event, when I had already taken leave to be with my family at Legoland.

16 Nov: Little N falls ill with a wheezing cough and runny nose.

18 Nov: I accompany N and ILs to the boys' PD, who as I blogged before in Feb, is worth her weight in gold. I accompany them to explain to the nurses bat little N as the PD normally does not take in new patients as her current patient load is full to bursting.

22 Nov: The Husband and I take a day off to celebrate my birthday.  We drove to JB to shop for the boys' at-home clothes (RM5 for a tee! RM10 for shorts! cheap!) and lug groceries including milk powder back home.

24 Nov: SIL arrives with elder daughter G.  G and Medium Boy promptly devise all sorts of games together.  I am reminded anew why I agreed to the crowds descending on my 88 sq metre apartment in the first place…. to make memories with the boys' cousins!  Hang onto that thought…… because…..

27 Nov: I retire to bed with a headache.  Or rather, that was my original intention when I returned home.  Medium Boy, Small Boy and G have child tickets to the Mickey Mouse magic show at MBS.  The Husband bought just ONE adult ticket.  The SIL decides to be the security guard cum bag concierge over the children.  Seeing that I am home, the MIL decides to go out too, leaving me alone with the helper and N.
N cries for one hour, 15mins before she falls asleep.

28 Nov: I wake up with headache still intact and sit through an intense workshop in Park Hotel, half my mind on work and networking, half my mind wishing I were with the boys at Legoland.

29 Nov: I take a bus to Legoland.  Start off from SG at 9am.  Waiting at the SG checkpoint - 45mins.  Waiting at the MY checkpoint - 1h10mins.  I arrive at Legoland at 1130am.

30 Nov: Return to SG, driving the females of the home (MIL, SIL, G and N, helper) home first.  The boys (FIL, the Husband, Medium Boy, Small Boy) are off on an errand to retrieve the Groupon present that FIL bought online.  Indicated the shipping address as one of the Husband's friends staying in JB.  Friend was not at home when courier came.  Courier refused to release the package to the Husband's friend, citing that his name is not the same as the one indicated on the package.  Gee.  What a whole lot of trouble over one online purchase.
30 Nov was the Husband's 2nd attempt to pick up the package.  22 Nov was the first.

1 Dec: ILs plus 2 little girls depart SG.

9 Dec: Little India riot in SG.  Helper's husband is fatally stabbed in Manila.  While doing his job as a security guard.  What an absolute waste.
I complete my last ops note of 2013.  Together with margin latest estimates that indicate we will fall short of target.  Sigh.

10 Dec: Helper receives news.  Her 12yo daughter sits silent in a corner of the morgue after identifying her father's body.  Only speaks and cries when my helper calls home.

12 Dec: Helper flies home.

29 Dec: Helper returns.

1 Jan: I host New Year lunch for my parents and aunts today.  It is a blessing to feast with family :)

As you can see, I have had 2 months of ups and downs.  Above all, I am thankful for the Husband who made things easier for me when he could.

Poverty: the closed circle

I dashed into the taxi to the school this morning. 

I wore an old and faded red t-shirt, half jeans with a tear in the right knee and carried a ratty handbag.  That is my grocery shopping uniform.  Yes I take an hour during a weekday morning to shop for groceries as I detest weekend crowds, and I shop more efficiently without a 5yo and a 3yo in tow.  Truth be told, I am better dressed this morning than I normally would have been.  The Husband took a look at the (even more faded) top I had chosen when I came out of the room, and reminded me that I had better clothes than that to wear.  -sulk- My vanity was pricked enough that I went back to change into a slightly less worn, slightly less faded top.

The call from school came when I was paying for groceries.  Medium Boy had small ulcers in his mouth, and he had just recovered from a fever from Tuesday night / Wednesday morning.  His teacher asked me to please come and bring him for a checkup at the doctor’s to see if it was Hand Foot Mouth Disease “HFMD”.   Hence the dash into the taxi after sending my helper home with the groceries.

I caught a glimpse of the taxi driver looking askew at me when I climbed into the taxi.  Perspiring with sweat stains – yes.  Wallet falling apart at the seams – yes. (I was clutching my wallet to see if I had enough cash on hand when I finally managed to hail a taxi).  The kind of look that wondered “Does this passenger have enough to pay?”.  I saw the look.  THEN I opened my mouth and said in my best Standard English “Boss, please take me to xxx.  I need to get my child from school.”  After that, we exchanged pleasantries… talked briefly about the weather, how wet it has been in the afternoons this week.

The nurses at the PD had seen me in all states before.  No raised eyebrows there or meaningful looks.

Why do I share this little story?  Because Perception is Reality.  From a local blogger’s website, I came across this thought provoking entry written by a black in the USA.  How her presentation of self matters.  I reflected for a second… how many times have I passed by such persons right in my neighbourhood… persons who are different, are obviously poor (yes, poverty exists in SG!) and made snap judgements of what they are wearing and how they speak.  And how naïve I am in thinking that a person living in a 2-room HBD flat cannot, and should not, buy and carry a branded handbag, or buy and wear Ferragamo shoes.   It is a human need to belong, to crack open the closed circles (closed to the poor) of the middle class.  That I have been so blind, I who have never had to worry for food or shelter in my life, to judge the buying behavior of another.

The blog entry has taught me to see the deeper reality of poverty.  Those who are born into it, raised in it, worry over the next meal or the next night’s shelter.

growingupwithless.sg. 

Poverty exists.  I am pondering what I can do to help just one child.  Because that child could have been my Medium Boy or Small Boy.

Lean in

I struggle with the concept of having it all.  Fuzzily defined for the modern woman as having (1) a personally fulfilling and financially rewarding career, (2) at least one healthy socially well-adjusted child who is a genius in art/music/math/whatever, preferably all of the above and (3) a stable monogamous relationship with a partner who actively enables (1) and (2).  Now I do not know about you, dear reader, but to do all of that, I would need to double… possibly triple… the waking hours of my day.

Along comes Sheryl Sandberg, COO and later CEO of Facebook, successful corporate woman worth pots of money, mother to 2 children, and now author of a book “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to lead”.  From Wikipedia:  Lean In is a book for professional women to help them achieve their career goals and for men who want to contribute to a more equitable society. The book looks at the barriers preventing women from taking leadership roles in the workplace, barriers such as discrimination, blatant and subtle sexism and sexual harassment. She also examines societal barriers such as the fact that women still work the double day and the devaluing of work inside the home as opposed to work outside the home. Along with the latter there are the barriers that women create for themselves through internalizing systematic discrimination and societal gender roles. Sandberg argues that in order for change to happen women need to break down these societal and personal barriers by striving for and achieving leadership roles. The ultimate goal is to encourage women to lean in to positions of leadership because she asserts that by having more female voices in positions of power there will be more equitable opportunities created for everyone.

Oh…… my first reaction is visceral, I tell you.  I want to retch at how perfect she is!

Then I stopped and thought for a bit about her concepts.  All good in theory… how can I put those into practice? Her book is aimed at the professional woman who presumably is able to choose how much, when and where to work.  Hey, that’s me!

How much to work?  I hardly know anyone who works in a corporate setting in Singapore at an executive / manager / C-suite level who works the “normal” 8 hour work day.  Far more than 8 hours is the norm.  At peak period levels, I have put in 14-16 hours of work per day… couldn’t sustain that level for anything more than a week after I had Medium Boy and Small Boy. 

When to work?  The company is very enlightened in that most managers allow their staff to work to deliver tasks, not put in face time in the office from 9am to 6pm, spending the last hour watching the clock… or social networking… or plain old coffee / hallway networking.  All my bosses in this company have also pushed me to take time off (to make up for 14 hour work days) during lull periods.  Travel is done during normal office hours from Monday to Friday… I am not expected to be on the plane during Saturday or Sunday.  MOST companies in SG are not like this.

Where to work? For the past 5 years, I was in a virtual role with a boss based in the UK.   I spent 75% of my week in the office after Medium Boy’s birth and reduced that to 10% after Small Boy’s birth.  Yes, I could and did choose to work from home.  This is only possible because the people I collaborate with are not in SG anyway, and my work is not a high-touch job (like a teacher or a doctor).  I changed department from 1 Mar 2013 and have to be in the office everyday now.  The transition made me more visible.  I am now back in circulation, listening to the grapevine news, determining which way the wind is blowing.  Leaning in MORE at work.

As long as women are still expected to work the double day…. Putting in time at home managing the house, being the primary decision maker (and implementer) when it comes to educating the children… there is practically zero time or brain space for a woman to lean in at work.   When I look critically at my own home….The Husband does his share.  Is it a 50-50 share? Not when I sit down and tabulate what he does vs what I do at home.  [Note: yes, I do more than 50%]  Is he refusing to lean in at home, or am I reluctant to lean out at home?  I do not know.  A mixture of both, I reckon.  Hence am I bowing to societal and personal barriers of what a woman should be?

Postscript: I finished this post in the middle of my night.  Just had to get this off my mind!

Opening the Closed Circles

Now that I have 2 young ones to educate, I keep a close watch on any shift in Singapore education policies.  PM Lee’s National Day Rally on 18 August promised 40 places in EVERY primary school will be set aside for children without any affiliation.  To recap, primary school registration is in 3 phases with the number of (fixed) places filled first by Phase 1, then Phase 2, and finally Phase 3.

Phase 1 is for children who have a sibling currently studying in the school of choice.  Most parents have no quibble with this phase.  After all, it makes sense logistically for parents to ferry 2 or 3 children to one school rather than run around Singapore to fetch them to different places.

Phase 2 is where the situation starts getting more interesting.  Phase 2A1is for children whose parents are former students of the school, and the parent has joined the alumni association, or the parent is a member of the school advisory committee.  Phase 2A2 is for children whose parents or sibling had studied in the school of choice, or whose parent is a staff member of the school.  The link back to one’s alma mater is supposed to build the alumni community (fuzzy concept!).  A free pass for selected people… if you the parent do not belong in this category by birth or career choice, aha, there is Phase 2B where the angst starts….

Phase 2B is for children whose parent (1) volunteers who have provided at least 40 hours of service to the school, or (2) is a member endorsed by a clan/church directly connected with the primary school, or (3) is an endorsed community leader.  (1) advantages the stay at home parent with time to carry out the community service…. (2) brings up questions of race/ethnicity/heritage and religion into a secular, supposedly race-blind process and (3)…. Well, anedocatal evidence points to category (3) parents who volunteer with Singapore’s ruling party…. Only these people are endorsed.  

Then comes that distance factor.  Phase 2C is for all Singaporean and PR children who are not yet registered in a primary school, according to the Ministry of Education website.  However, schools divide this phase into 2.  2C1 is for children whose registered address is within a 1km radius of the school; 2C2 is for children whose registered address is within a 2km radius of the school.  After all distance makes sense correct?  Which parent wants a sleepy 7 year old to have a 1 and a half hour commute to school?

Over time, applicants to the ‘good’ schools increasingly become more homogeneous in their family profiles.  More than the national average living in private property (proxy for wealth), more than the national average with graduate parents.  

Now, if you ask any parent, they will tell you they want the best for their children.  Best education, which in the Singapore context, is narrowly defined as the best grades.  I disagree with this definition, and hence I am heartened by PM Lee’s policy tweak.  My country, my society will be more cohesive because of equal access to education opportunities.

Words to live by

Once in a while, a piece of prose takes my breath away.  The first was Desiderata (and what a story behind those words originally thought to be 1692 wisdom).  Then a friend posted the Holstee Manifesto on her blog....

This is your life. Do what you want and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.
If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop over-analysing, life is simple.
All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Life is simple.
Open your heart, mind and arms to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating.
Life is short, live your dream and wear your passion.

And prior to thousands of primary school pupils writing evocative compositions.... the opening sentence of "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" moved me

It was morning, and the new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea.

and this one.... so fierce that the words leap off the page into the throat to jolt one awake

Self-Pity
By D.H. Lawrence

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

At breakfast

I am normally the earliest to wake on weekdays, followed by the Husband.  Then both of us will wake the boys up... Medium Boy drags his furry toy friends to the daybed and plops there for a while.  Small Boy staggers like a drunk to the other daybed and lies horizontal until his milk is warmed up.

The Husband tells me this story in the car after the boys alight at their school.  I was probably in the shower at that time.

(Silence at the breakfast table)

Then Medium Boy pipes up..... "Everybody is sleepy right?"

The Husband looks at him..... he continues "The table is so quiet!"  then giggles at his own observation.

Indeed, Medium Boy, indeed.....

Songs in the car

- courtesy warning.  this post contains references to bodily secretions.-

Starting sometime in June, when we were on a long drive to Sengkang in the middle of the night, and the 2 boys were sitting at the back by themselves.

Medium Boy started the fireworks song. Medium Boy and Small Boy made hexi-don-te shapes (helix with one bend) with the mesh window shades, and sang

"We are making hexi-don-tes
And FIREWORKS
and we like this place
and we like to sing"

accompanied by tossing the mesh up in the air on the word fireworks.  Small Boy giggled as he followed his brother's actions.

This Monday, Medium Boy started the toilet humour song.  "Papa," he started to tell the Husband..... "I am driving, talk to Mama" was the response... then "Mama..." to me.

MB: listen Mama, I am having a tea party with poo-poo and pee-pee.  *mimes drinking from a teacup*
*giggles madly*

Tuesday.  The tea party expanded to include boo-boo (MB's term for boogers that come out of his nose) and pass gas.

Having grown up in a mostly-female household, I am grossed out.  The Husband thinks MB is just being a boy though....  The 5yo is getting cheekier!