Lean in

I struggle with the concept of having it all.  Fuzzily defined for the modern woman as having (1) a personally fulfilling and financially rewarding career, (2) at least one healthy socially well-adjusted child who is a genius in art/music/math/whatever, preferably all of the above and (3) a stable monogamous relationship with a partner who actively enables (1) and (2).  Now I do not know about you, dear reader, but to do all of that, I would need to double… possibly triple… the waking hours of my day.

Along comes Sheryl Sandberg, COO and later CEO of Facebook, successful corporate woman worth pots of money, mother to 2 children, and now author of a book “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to lead”.  From Wikipedia:  Lean In is a book for professional women to help them achieve their career goals and for men who want to contribute to a more equitable society. The book looks at the barriers preventing women from taking leadership roles in the workplace, barriers such as discrimination, blatant and subtle sexism and sexual harassment. She also examines societal barriers such as the fact that women still work the double day and the devaluing of work inside the home as opposed to work outside the home. Along with the latter there are the barriers that women create for themselves through internalizing systematic discrimination and societal gender roles. Sandberg argues that in order for change to happen women need to break down these societal and personal barriers by striving for and achieving leadership roles. The ultimate goal is to encourage women to lean in to positions of leadership because she asserts that by having more female voices in positions of power there will be more equitable opportunities created for everyone.

Oh…… my first reaction is visceral, I tell you.  I want to retch at how perfect she is!

Then I stopped and thought for a bit about her concepts.  All good in theory… how can I put those into practice? Her book is aimed at the professional woman who presumably is able to choose how much, when and where to work.  Hey, that’s me!

How much to work?  I hardly know anyone who works in a corporate setting in Singapore at an executive / manager / C-suite level who works the “normal” 8 hour work day.  Far more than 8 hours is the norm.  At peak period levels, I have put in 14-16 hours of work per day… couldn’t sustain that level for anything more than a week after I had Medium Boy and Small Boy. 

When to work?  The company is very enlightened in that most managers allow their staff to work to deliver tasks, not put in face time in the office from 9am to 6pm, spending the last hour watching the clock… or social networking… or plain old coffee / hallway networking.  All my bosses in this company have also pushed me to take time off (to make up for 14 hour work days) during lull periods.  Travel is done during normal office hours from Monday to Friday… I am not expected to be on the plane during Saturday or Sunday.  MOST companies in SG are not like this.

Where to work? For the past 5 years, I was in a virtual role with a boss based in the UK.   I spent 75% of my week in the office after Medium Boy’s birth and reduced that to 10% after Small Boy’s birth.  Yes, I could and did choose to work from home.  This is only possible because the people I collaborate with are not in SG anyway, and my work is not a high-touch job (like a teacher or a doctor).  I changed department from 1 Mar 2013 and have to be in the office everyday now.  The transition made me more visible.  I am now back in circulation, listening to the grapevine news, determining which way the wind is blowing.  Leaning in MORE at work.

As long as women are still expected to work the double day…. Putting in time at home managing the house, being the primary decision maker (and implementer) when it comes to educating the children… there is practically zero time or brain space for a woman to lean in at work.   When I look critically at my own home….The Husband does his share.  Is it a 50-50 share? Not when I sit down and tabulate what he does vs what I do at home.  [Note: yes, I do more than 50%]  Is he refusing to lean in at home, or am I reluctant to lean out at home?  I do not know.  A mixture of both, I reckon.  Hence am I bowing to societal and personal barriers of what a woman should be?

Postscript: I finished this post in the middle of my night.  Just had to get this off my mind!

Holidays bleah

Mommies like routine.  Ok this mommy likes Medium Boy and Small Boy to have a routine.  I really believe that little ones behave better when they know what to expect next.

Holidays are a time of relaxing the routine, hence it wrecks havoc with my own routine.

The Husband on the other hand thinks nothing of disrupting the routine to go off on adventures..... Swimming.  Beach combing.  Watching a centipede make its way across the pavement.  Aargh.  Drives me crazy. 

Things get even crazier when these adventurous activities eat into nap time.  For then, I have 2 half-sleepy boys on my hands who are prone to sudden bursts of energy in between their general lethargy.

I have put my foot down and insist that their adventures tomorrow are confined to the morning.  3 days without naps is messing up my own routine!  I miss the time to potter around the house, do my own things without having to act as a referee every 10 minutes, or thinking up activities to keep both Medium Boy and Small Boy occupied.

Having the other set of grandparents watching like hawks over our everyday activities (since when did my life become a soccer match for your commentary.....) is also not fun.

I miss Singapore, my own home, even though the weather is still hazy.

Reckon I am having an AARGH moment.
Breathe Celine breathe.....

2 sets of Grandparents + 2 children = headache

Before marriage, there is an understanding between the Husband and myself that the marriage contains only 2 of us plus any children that result from our love for each other.  As the boys came along one after the other in quick succession, I realize that both pairs of grandparents have markedly different opinions on education, schooling, morals, chores and how children should behave in general.  From my personal observations and the stories I hear amongst friends, this is a common problem amongst married couples nearing the 5-7 year stage, or when the eldest child is 2-3 years away from primary school education.

Suddenly my marriage seems a tad crowded....

What then to do?  There is no magic answer to wave away this problem.  A healthy dose of imagination to put yourself in the shoes of the other set of grandparents… to understand where they are coming from… and a belief that they truly love and want the best (however that is defined) for the grandchildren, go a long way.

But…. Why is my man so dense in this area?  I am struggling to figure out whether it is just him, or common to all mankind.

To defend a right

When a man fights, it is normally to acquire.
When a woman fights, it is normally to defend.

What I am defending now...  the right of a person to a life outside of work.

One of the Chennai team has postponed his medical examinations for 6 weeks now just so that he may complete his tests.  The tester in KL came back to work 3 days after her father had a hernia operation so that she may complete her tests.  The data keeps changing in the test system.

Why does work have to be so hard?  It should not and must not be the reason for not taking care of yourself, and not taking care of loved ones.

These are real people.  REAL people with a life.  Not just another digit in the Company.

I shudder at becoming a MIL

Sometimes the most unexpected posts turn up from the most unexpected people in facebook.

This was posted by someone whom I know to be a staunch Buddhist believer.  Out of curiosity, and partly because of the URL, I clicked onto the link, and found myself nodding in agreement. 

The time will come when Medium Boy and Small Boy choose their spouses.  Together with choosing a job (how to spend their time), this is probably the most important other life decision (who to spend their time with) that they will make at some point.

When I realise I will not have daughters (see previous post), I shuddered at the thought of one day becoming the dreaded woman - the Mother In Law.

Men do not make good wives

If the situation were reversed and he was the one facing work deadlines juggling multiple stakeholders, here is what I would do.

• Leave the house on time, prepare the boys for their daily routine so that he is at work by 830am
• In the evenings, ask if he needs to work or prepare for the next day .  If he says yes, bring the boys out to the market or the mall.
• Plan each week's meals, shop for groceries and make the meals 'magically' appear on the table

All I can say is that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.  Now I know why we as a unit cannot survive if he were a househusband, and I were to work.  Hmmph!