Lean in

I struggle with the concept of having it all.  Fuzzily defined for the modern woman as having (1) a personally fulfilling and financially rewarding career, (2) at least one healthy socially well-adjusted child who is a genius in art/music/math/whatever, preferably all of the above and (3) a stable monogamous relationship with a partner who actively enables (1) and (2).  Now I do not know about you, dear reader, but to do all of that, I would need to double… possibly triple… the waking hours of my day.

Along comes Sheryl Sandberg, COO and later CEO of Facebook, successful corporate woman worth pots of money, mother to 2 children, and now author of a book “Lean In: Women, Work and the Will to lead”.  From Wikipedia:  Lean In is a book for professional women to help them achieve their career goals and for men who want to contribute to a more equitable society. The book looks at the barriers preventing women from taking leadership roles in the workplace, barriers such as discrimination, blatant and subtle sexism and sexual harassment. She also examines societal barriers such as the fact that women still work the double day and the devaluing of work inside the home as opposed to work outside the home. Along with the latter there are the barriers that women create for themselves through internalizing systematic discrimination and societal gender roles. Sandberg argues that in order for change to happen women need to break down these societal and personal barriers by striving for and achieving leadership roles. The ultimate goal is to encourage women to lean in to positions of leadership because she asserts that by having more female voices in positions of power there will be more equitable opportunities created for everyone.

Oh…… my first reaction is visceral, I tell you.  I want to retch at how perfect she is!

Then I stopped and thought for a bit about her concepts.  All good in theory… how can I put those into practice? Her book is aimed at the professional woman who presumably is able to choose how much, when and where to work.  Hey, that’s me!

How much to work?  I hardly know anyone who works in a corporate setting in Singapore at an executive / manager / C-suite level who works the “normal” 8 hour work day.  Far more than 8 hours is the norm.  At peak period levels, I have put in 14-16 hours of work per day… couldn’t sustain that level for anything more than a week after I had Medium Boy and Small Boy. 

When to work?  The company is very enlightened in that most managers allow their staff to work to deliver tasks, not put in face time in the office from 9am to 6pm, spending the last hour watching the clock… or social networking… or plain old coffee / hallway networking.  All my bosses in this company have also pushed me to take time off (to make up for 14 hour work days) during lull periods.  Travel is done during normal office hours from Monday to Friday… I am not expected to be on the plane during Saturday or Sunday.  MOST companies in SG are not like this.

Where to work? For the past 5 years, I was in a virtual role with a boss based in the UK.   I spent 75% of my week in the office after Medium Boy’s birth and reduced that to 10% after Small Boy’s birth.  Yes, I could and did choose to work from home.  This is only possible because the people I collaborate with are not in SG anyway, and my work is not a high-touch job (like a teacher or a doctor).  I changed department from 1 Mar 2013 and have to be in the office everyday now.  The transition made me more visible.  I am now back in circulation, listening to the grapevine news, determining which way the wind is blowing.  Leaning in MORE at work.

As long as women are still expected to work the double day…. Putting in time at home managing the house, being the primary decision maker (and implementer) when it comes to educating the children… there is practically zero time or brain space for a woman to lean in at work.   When I look critically at my own home….The Husband does his share.  Is it a 50-50 share? Not when I sit down and tabulate what he does vs what I do at home.  [Note: yes, I do more than 50%]  Is he refusing to lean in at home, or am I reluctant to lean out at home?  I do not know.  A mixture of both, I reckon.  Hence am I bowing to societal and personal barriers of what a woman should be?

Postscript: I finished this post in the middle of my night.  Just had to get this off my mind!

Words to live by

Once in a while, a piece of prose takes my breath away.  The first was Desiderata (and what a story behind those words originally thought to be 1692 wisdom).  Then a friend posted the Holstee Manifesto on her blog....

This is your life. Do what you want and do it often.
If you don't like something, change it.
If you don't like your job, quit.
If you don't have enough time, stop watching TV.
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
Stop over-analysing, life is simple.
All emotions are beautiful.
When you eat, appreciate every last bite.
Life is simple.
Open your heart, mind and arms to new things and people, we are united in our differences.
Ask the next person you see what their passion is and share your inspiring dream with them.
Travel often; getting lost will help you find yourself.
Some opportunities only come once, seize them.
Life is about the people you meet and the things you create with them, so go out and start creating.
Life is short, live your dream and wear your passion.

And prior to thousands of primary school pupils writing evocative compositions.... the opening sentence of "Jonathan Livingstone Seagull" moved me

It was morning, and the new sun sparkled gold across the ripples of a gentle sea.

and this one.... so fierce that the words leap off the page into the throat to jolt one awake

Self-Pity
By D.H. Lawrence

I never saw a wild thing
sorry for itself.
A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough
without ever having felt sorry for itself.

Chope Food for the Needy

What is Chope?
According to the Singlish definition in talkingcock.com, http://www.talkingcock.com/html/lexec.php, it means To reserve or hold something for somebody. Sometimes used in games to denote having attained a ‘safe' position.
"If we're not at the theatre by 8, can you chope some seats for us?"

Then I read this which my sister posted.
http://www.dailygood.org/story/439/miserable-and-magical-a-graduation-speech-for-paradoxical-times-nipun-mehta/ .... Hey, it made me tear up a little and as usual when I am moved, I write (or blog, in this instance).

There has been a movement going around in Facebook to chope food for the needy, that is, pay the hawker upfront for your own food plus another portion.  I have been chope-ing another bowl of noodles when I eat lunch at the hawker centre near my home... sometimes up to 3 bowls.  One day Mr Lim the hawker had time to talk to me as I was early for lunch (went at 11am)... there are 4 other people who have been paying forward for food too.  Mr Lim looks out for retirees above 70 years old, and tells them that their food has already been paid for.

Restores my faith in humanity, it does.

A Room of My Own

The first thing that came to mind, and popped out of my mouth, when answering Medium Boy’s question of why do I go to work was…. Money.  That is true, but not entirely true.

Dear Son.  Work is my unique contribution to making the world a more orderly place.  It is a room of my own (in Virginia Woolf’s elegant phrase), where I am free to be me. Fully and wholly myself.  Money is one part of the equation that gives me the space and time to be fully and wholly myself.

I have not figured out the other parts of time and space yet.... I will let you know when I get to it!

PS.  The answer is 42 (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).  I love you.  Your geeky mom.

Sisu and Schadenfreude

English is a really adaptable language.  It freely claims words from other languages and makes them its own.

I read a feature on Finnish F1 driver Kimi Raikkonen a couple of months back in the Straits Times sports section and came across this word - sisu - used to describe him.  Today I have a bit of time in between running work reports, hence googled.
[My porous brain remembered the word as risu... at first I tried google translate, typed risu in, and google translate detected first Malay (!!!) then Italian (!!!!!!)]

From Wikipedia: Sisu is a Finnish term loosely translated into English as strength of will, determination, perseverance, and acting rationally in the face of adversity. Sisu is not bravery, not courage, not strength.  It is the ability to finish a task successfully, the will and decisiveness to surmount challenges despite impossible odds.

Loosely translated into English, the German term Schadenfreude means happiness at another's misfortune.  There is a lot of German schadenfreude around these days in Singapore, where my dear countrymen takes delight in pulling one another down.... oh, the trash that goes onto STOMP, Straits Time's online portal for everything and nothing.....


Methinks everyone needs more Sisu and less Schadenfreude

Raising Boys

Medium Boy has been speaking lately to me about what good guys do and what bad guys do.
He wants to be the good guy and save the world.  *grin*

This dovetails with what Michael Gurian talks about in the 'magical boy' phase that lasts till boys are adolescents in his book "The purpose of boys" in Chapter 3.  Picked the book up from the library a couple of weeks back.

Here is a 2009 interview with Gurian when he launched the book.

This topic is very close to my heart.  I am learning how to raise boys on the go.
I have neither brothers, nor close male cousins who grew up with me.  All I observe about boys and men are from a distance.  Before Small Boy's gender was confirmed at the 20-week ultrasound, I had spoken to him in utero as if he were a girl.  Had even picked a name - Clarice - for the baby!  Now I am grateful I have 2 boys... a boy should have a brother, and a girl, a sister. 

I love my active, sweaty-headed little boys :) even when they drive me up the wall fighting for toys.

Keep Children in school till 7pm

Consciously deciding whether to have children, and if so, how many, is an inherently personal decision highly sensitive to quality-of-life issues.  Bringing a child into this world is a long term commitment of time, energy and money..... I see more of my peers deciding not to have children simply because they perceive themselves as being unable to commit the time or energy or money to children.  Responsible or irresponsible?  How will this play out in the future for Singapore as a society? 

The game theory concept of the prisoners' dilemma may be applied to this situation.  For the individual, it is a conscious utility-maximising (short term of course, but as the famous 1930s American economist Keynes states "we are all dead in the long run", so who cares about the long term.....) NOT to have children.  Even though the collective effect of all these individual decisions result in an ageing society with fewer people in the 'economically active' age group of 21-55.

Time to rethink what Singapore, and Singaporeans, perceives our prized human capital to be. 

Having children cannot and must not be a pure economic decision..... Values have a big part to contribute to raising Singapore's Total Fertility Rate, currently standing at a dismal 1.2.  I have children because of my personal belief that they bring purpose and meaning to my life.  In no other human relationship does one have complete and utter responsibility for another human being, love etched into the heart, love occupying my waking hours.  Work Life Balance eludes me... and then I am strangely encouraged when even a senior member of the American goverment admits that she cannot have it all.

The headline on Page 3 of the Straits Times "Keep kids in school till 7pm so mums can go to work?" is, in my opinion, delibrately provocative.  I am certain there will be a flurry of letters to the Forum page from working moms as well as stay-at-home moms tomorrow and for days after, so I shall not add to the deluge.  I shall watch this space to see how this part of our national conversation plays out in the media.

I shudder at becoming a MIL

Sometimes the most unexpected posts turn up from the most unexpected people in facebook.

This was posted by someone whom I know to be a staunch Buddhist believer.  Out of curiosity, and partly because of the URL, I clicked onto the link, and found myself nodding in agreement. 

The time will come when Medium Boy and Small Boy choose their spouses.  Together with choosing a job (how to spend their time), this is probably the most important other life decision (who to spend their time with) that they will make at some point.

When I realise I will not have daughters (see previous post), I shuddered at the thought of one day becoming the dreaded woman - the Mother In Law.

Teachable moment flashed by

I was in a hurry this morning to get Medium Boy to school.  As we exited the flyover to connect to the expressway, a black Mercedes overtook me on the right on a one lane road.  The very same Merc was stuck in front of me later in the traffic snarl... The driver, a 40something Chinese man, signalled left but was blocking my lane as he determined how best to get a car length ahead.

Miffed by the earlier overtaking (which I considered dangerous), I honked at him.  He moved into the left lane, and I passed him.  End of story.... Meanwhile, the wheels in the 4 year old's mind were turning...... all of a sudden, I heard a voice from the left passenger seat.

Medium Boy: Mama, why did you honk?  He was only queueing correct.  Everyone needs to queue.
Mama: (so surprised at his insight that I cannot remember what I responded, something inconsequential I believe)

Later on, I related this incident to the Husband.  The Husband is quicker of mind than I am in such circumstances.... If that had happened when the Husband and Medium Boy were in the car together, the Husband said, the Husband would have told MB that indeed the Merc was just queueing, but it was not safe for the Merc to overtake us just now on a one lane road, Papa is worried about everyone's safety, hence the honking.

Teachable moments really pass us by.  I shall be more alert next time.
My only excuse is that 3 days of being alone with a napless Medium Boy over the long weekend has addled my brain.  Time for a quick snooze then... hehe.