Shiny Happy People

I was at lunch with my colleague SY today when TT walked by.  From the other folks sitting around the other table, I reckon they are enjoying a Christmas lunch for their department.  The way TT walks, talks and behaves reminds me very much of the REM song “Shiny Happy People”.  Youtube video here.

I have known TT ever since I joined the Company 8 years ago.  One gets the sense when talking to TT that he has found his life purpose.  As a scientist, a manager and a father.

It is not the laugh-a-minute types who are truly happy, contrary to most people’s expectations.  Happy people have a different look and a can-do upbeat attitude.  When faced with a situation, we look for what we can do to influence the outcome instead of whining or complaining or over-analysing.

Quit the job?

The period between Christmas and New Year is a strange one.

Every year,  I reflect upon the year that has passed and try to gaze into the crystal ball on the year to come.  Some call it planning.  I prefer to call it what I reckon it truly is – crystal ball gazing – as no one except an all-knowing divine being knows what is in store tomorrow.  Hence I approach life by planning for the worst, and hoping for the best.

One thought has been nagging at me for the past few days.  To quit or not to quit the job?  The Company provides me with sufficient autonomy to do my own thing as and when I choose [yes I work 8 hours, and those 8 hours are of my own choosing].  It has enough breadth and scope that I am intellectually stimulated.  The tone of discussion is civil.  The Brits know how to disagree and keep the tone civil at the same time.  After all the English language is theirs. Click HERE for how the Brits keep things polite.  And yes, the Company pays at the 80^th percentile.which is excellent... according to a Mercer study for jobs at my level and moreover has fantastic medical benefits. 

Why then do I want to quit?  The lack of time to be with the children due to work commitments.  I would have quit, but I need the stability of a known income at the end of the month.  I reckon this question will continue to be on my mind, regardless of my eventual decision.

Lucky people

Another really really great Christmas has passed, surrounded by family all in good health.  Medium Boy received a children's story about a Nepalese boy chasing his dreams to climb Mount Everest from his grandaunt.  The book has notes for the adult reading to the child... I briefly summarise it into 8 points, and how I am doing on each point.

Change your attitude, change your luck. 

Expect to be a winner.  Luck begins in the thoughts.  This quote normally attributed to Gandhi sums it up best.   "Keep your thoughts positive.  Thoughts become words; words become behaviours; behaviours become habits; habits become values; values become destiny"

Making time for yourself to tune into your intuition makes you luckier.

Phew, I do this via this blog and by journalling.

Look for the silver lining.

I belive that looking on the bright side of everything helps to attract luck.  No I am not optimistic that I am a Pollyanna.  It is just much easier to focus on the bit of good in everyone and in every situation, no matter how itsy-bitsy the good seems at first.

Let bad luck slide off you.

Bad things happen to good people.  They are only temporary visitors.  The happy things are permanent.

Try new things.

To expand my mind and my horizons.

Be alert for new opportunities.

Rested and ready, the intuitive me leaps upon new opportunites.

Take steps to improve your life.

I act, I do things to grow and improve.  I contribute uniquely via my work in the office and at home to the world.

Live in the present.

Yesterday is over, no point to dwell too much except to extract the juice of every lesson learnt.  Tomorrow is not here yet....


As Forrest Gump might it, lucky is as lucky does.
Keep working on the luck, everyone!

Raising Boys

Medium Boy has been speaking lately to me about what good guys do and what bad guys do.
He wants to be the good guy and save the world.  *grin*

This dovetails with what Michael Gurian talks about in the 'magical boy' phase that lasts till boys are adolescents in his book "The purpose of boys" in Chapter 3.  Picked the book up from the library a couple of weeks back.

Here is a 2009 interview with Gurian when he launched the book.

This topic is very close to my heart.  I am learning how to raise boys on the go.
I have neither brothers, nor close male cousins who grew up with me.  All I observe about boys and men are from a distance.  Before Small Boy's gender was confirmed at the 20-week ultrasound, I had spoken to him in utero as if he were a girl.  Had even picked a name - Clarice - for the baby!  Now I am grateful I have 2 boys... a boy should have a brother, and a girl, a sister. 

I love my active, sweaty-headed little boys :) even when they drive me up the wall fighting for toys.

24601

Les Miserables is my favourite musical of all time.  The most concise storyline I am able to find online is here. 

From the first "Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye"... I am hooked.  During days when I look at a sunny sky when at my laptop in the office cubicle, I am thankful I am doing work I enjoy.

"What have I done?" Jean Valjean's yellow ribbon moment with the Bishop.  Am reminded on how society views ex convicts.

"At the End of the Day" I am another day older and reflect on what I have done for the day.

"I dreamed a dream" He has never let me down in the things that matter, however there ARE days when I feel an affinity for Fantine when I am appalled at the Husband.

"Who am I?" Valjean's signature tune.  Reclaiming his humanity from his 19 years in forced labour, that he is not just 24601.

"Confrontation" between Valjean and Inspector Javert.  The lyrics tell of the circumstances that made both Valjean and Javert who they are, what are their motivations.  The music makes the moment vibrate in the counterpoint between the 2 men, both with a sense of purpose... Valjean to rescue Fantine's child Cosette, and Javert to apprehend Valjean.  My musical technical mind appreciates how the tune and lyrics come together.  I love this track!

"Castle on the Cloud" for all the children who are unloved.

"Master of the House" for all the liars and crooks in the world.

"Stars" I understand too well Javert's need for order in the world.  Just like the stars in their multitude... providing order and light.

The stirring revolution tune in "Do you hear the People Sing?"

The flush of first love between Cosette and Marius. "In My Life/A Heart full of Love"

Bringing all the characters together in "One day more".  Valjean disliking Marius because Marius is courting his daughter Cosette yet wanting to preserve Marius' life for Cosette, preparing for the revolution.  A touch of comic relief from all the heavy themes when the treacherous Thenardiers sing of how they will raid the corpses for valuables.

Eponine's "On my own" to Marius for those of us who experience the pang of unrequited love.  Appealed to the 18 year old me who watched the show for the first time.

Then the attack, and Eponine's death in Marius' arms "A little fall of rain".  One hears the hush when Marius sings the last note by himself.

"Drink with me" Marius drinks to his fallen comrades of the revolution.

"Bring him home" Valjean's protectiveness of Marius.... parents may relate to 'keep him safe... he is young... he is only a boy..... let him live, let me die... bring him peace'

Javert's suicide as Valjean lets him go from being a prisoner of the revolutionaries.

"Turning" with the passage of time.


The Husband watched the musical with me in London Jun 2011.  After the show, he was contemplative and summarised the show thus 'really miserable, nearly everyone dies'.  Ah but the thread of hope runs through with Marius and Cosette's wedding.  That despite misery, life really does go on....

Merry Christmas!

To defend a right

When a man fights, it is normally to acquire.
When a woman fights, it is normally to defend.

What I am defending now...  the right of a person to a life outside of work.

One of the Chennai team has postponed his medical examinations for 6 weeks now just so that he may complete his tests.  The tester in KL came back to work 3 days after her father had a hernia operation so that she may complete her tests.  The data keeps changing in the test system.

Why does work have to be so hard?  It should not and must not be the reason for not taking care of yourself, and not taking care of loved ones.

These are real people.  REAL people with a life.  Not just another digit in the Company.

This too shall pass

My current boss asks me for updates during our weekly calls, she makes me feel like I am just another thing on her to-do list, and does nothing to help defend my work.  I have to explain to boss' boss myself what is going on.

This too shall pass...

Small Boy is clingy to me when I leave home.

This too shall pass...

I am down again with a cold plus slight fever, and I am at the office.

This too shall pass...

Many things shall pass.  As I approach Christmas, I stop to think about the meaning of Advent (the 40 days before Christmas) and the true meaning of Christmas.  I want to re read Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol"... if I can spare the time from work, home, the boys. 

A thought experiment: What do the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future tell me?

Past - that I am blessed with many Christmas Days spent with family and friends.  That I am blessed to be able to sing in a choir, to give my time to others and have sufficient money to fulfil another's wish for the Boys' Brigade annual Christmas drive.

Present - that I am blessed with 2 healthy and lively boys, and a soul mate in my Husband.

Future - that I will continue to be blessed.

And all this. too. SHALL. pass!

Hanging by a thread onto my sanity,  Celine

Gathering my Thoughts

I started this blog to write about my diverse interests.  In raising 2 boys ... the breastfeeding stories of their early days, the wisdom and logic of Medium Boy growing into his own mind, getting through the terrific twos with Small Boy expressing his need for individuation.

I am also interested in gender diversity situations in the workplace, work life balance [I found one aspect of my own answer in strong moments, moments that make me come alive with enthusiasm and passion, and then purposely imbalancing my life towards them], music in its capacity to energise, soothe or heal.... traditional chinese medicine to keep all in my family healthy...

And back down to earth... managing a household... cooking, cleaning (where does all the dust in a closed cupboard come from?), first forays into keeping a plant alive and thriving.

Oh what an eclectic list of interests!

So ten things I know to be true today.

1. Cousins have a spectator seat to one's growing up years.  When I am an adult, I appreciate the blood connection with my cousins a whole lot more.  Close enough to understand a part of who I am, yet distant enough to give a more objective view than siblings. 
2. Date nights can be cheap and simple.  Such as a walk to the beach on a drizzly night, then sitting down and counting aeroplanes. 
3. Boys are different from girls.  Raising a boy who is purposeful, who serves his community and aware that all of us are neighbours.
4. Boys interact differently from girls.  The Husband banters with Medium Boy and Small Boy in a way that I never would.  Putting them purposely in situations where they have to reach just a little harder, think a little faster, because this 'aggressive nurturance' is how men teach boys to become men. 
5. I now understand why the Husband does the above, BUT I still cringe inside while letting go and trusting him to teach the boys.
6. Each child has different learning styles.  Medium Boy is primarily kinesthetic.  I havent figured out yet how Small Boy best absorbs information.
7. I love cut flowers around the house!
8. I will grow old one day, look back and think 'these are some of the best days of my life'.  So enjoy the present!
9. The best is indeed yet to be. .... No, I am not from ACS .. for obvious reasons.... or affiliated with any of the schools.
10. I miss my Religious Knowledge and Secondary 3 Chinese teachers.  Wu lao shi taught us to keep our Chinese notes, but the books were thrown out when we had a bug infestation at home.  Sigh.  I miss reading fluently in Chinese.

Get out more!

I have a comfort zone, which lately I have been thinking of expanding.

My itchy feet have led me to

• take up yoga at home
• try not to kill a poinsetta that I bought from Ikea 3 weeks ago.  How brown are my planting-things thumbs?  Managed to murder a cactus that I attempted to grow at my hostel room when I was an undergraduate.
• bring Medium Boy to a trial music lesson yesterday to assess his interest in music, he spent the 45 minutes arranging the paper clips around the piano chair instead.

Otherwise, it is the same groove every day, every weekend.  Not much time or energy to blog after each work day is done, and putting 2 active boys to sleep every night.  I need to get out more!

Aggrieved

Medium Boy reached out his hand to tickle me just as we were settling in to read a book. I slapped his hand away from me... He pouted, turned away from me and I brought his attention back to me (and the book) by asking him to teach Small Boy together with me.

He obliged. He is usually a mild mannered one.

We talk every night before he sleeps. I ask him the same question every night 'what do you want to tell mama?' And limit the conversation by adding '.... Choose just one thing....'

Tonight he chose to ask me why Malaysia has black M and Ms and Singapore does not.  Ehhhhh. Then prefixed his next comment with 'mama, this is still one thing ok...' Heh he is stopping me from interrupting him :)
'Why are there many colours of M and Ms, mama?' Fully confident that I am able to answer him.

Silence for the next 2 minutes.

Then 'mama.... I have a second thing to tell you....'
Ok dear, what is it?
'Mama, when it is an accident (= he means to play, and means no harm, I think...?), you cannot scold me ok.' Referring to his unsolicited unexpected tickling.
Yes my aggrieved darling, I will not scold you if it is an accident.
Hugs.

An excellent reminder from Medium Boy that we judge ourselves by intent, and others by actions. Be kind to each other, human beings..... Says the little wise man.

What to do when you disagree with a blog post

There is a real person behind every blog.  Please run through this process "I disagree.... how do I contribute to this discussion construtively?  Is this kind? Is this necessary?" before commenting.

http://www.positive-parents.org/2012/06/2-years-of-pptb-what-ive-learned-and.html

This one makes me grin.  http://aiminglow.com/2012/08/what-to-do-when-you-disagree-with-a-blog-post/
I love her crappypictures.com blog.  Look for the one on alcohol and coffee.  I swear she has a camera into my home!  only that Medium Boy is renamed Crappy Boy, and Small Boy is known as Crappy Baby.

Peace be with you.  Goodnight.

Strong Wills

I have a temper.  Kind friends of mine say I am strong-willed. 
The Husband has a temper.  Kind friends of his, plus his parents, say he is strong-willed.

Add 2 strong wills together.... is it any surprise that both Medium Boy and Small Boy have strong wills too?  Ater all, there is a 100% chance genetically that Medium Boy and Small Boy are determined little boys.  I look into their eyes and how they act, and I know..... these boys, they have fight in them. 
This song "Little People" from Les Miserables illustrates what the little people can do.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppotuhZjIkA

Medium Boy as a newborn clamped onto me so hard that I bled on Day 9 when latching him (note to new moms: check latch position!), and cried - loudly and frequently - in protest whenever I unlatched him.   Poor thing was probably hungry half the time..... The lactation consultant I called that day diagnosed that Medium Boy's tongue was prone to stick to the roof of his mouth, and taught me to quickly run my finger along his gum to get his tongue down before latching him.  On hindsight, I should have known that, seems common sense now... however at that time, common sense flys out the window for a new mom though.... that thought did not occur to me then.

[Side note re healing bleeding nipples - please skip this section if you are sqeamish or are not a breastfeeding mom
1.  Air dry 
2.  Salt bath (dilute salt solution) for 20mins to half hour at a time
3.  Spread a few drops of expressed milk onto the bleeding area]

Small Boy as a newborn latched onto me for an hour immediately after birth.  I joke with the Husband that his latching lasted half as long as his 2 hour labour.  He latched well, too well, in fact.  Every time I carried him, he would root his way to my boob.  Drank until his little stomach was round as a barrel.  Then proceed to puke mouthfuls of milk out, like a Merlion.  Every. Single. Feed.
I gave in at the 6 week mark and stuck a pacifier into his seeking mouth.

Channeling these 2 strong-willed forces of nature to grow into literate, numerate men with EQ, is my life's work for the next 18 years.

I pray for them before they were born, and now over them every night "O Lord, help me grow them into wise and compassionate men, men after your own Heart."  ...... with the Husband in mind as the human model when I prayed.

my One Wild and Precious Life

I love reading.  I love reading physical books.  No Kindles or touchscreen books for me.
Poetry or prose, I love reading words.

Words contain ideas.  Ideas in the mind of the correct person, the Activators that Tom Rath refers to in his Strength Finders book, create real change in the physical world.

I am re-reading "Tuesdays with Morrie".  It is a technical guidebook for life, disguised as a memoir, with the breezy tone of a novel. 

Today I am in the office receiving knowledge transfer sessions for my new job.  Mary Oliver's "The Summer Day" is in my mind... To pay attention is a form of prayer.

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

For my friends with daughters

I was introduced to spoken word poetry here.
B by Sarah Kay 
While she spoke, I remember these deep in my soul.
I am the little girl with small hands and big eyes, whose mother is a worrier, and whose father is a warrior.
I am the teenager who sassed my parents, whose mother wanted to paint the solar system on the back of my hands.  The daughter who put her nose up into the air, and the mother who said 'I know that trick, I have done that before'.
Rain boots and chocolate do solve everything.
The sense of wonder of looking through a microscope at the galaxy within.  
Stepping out of a phone booth wanting to fly, and someone is stepping on my cape.
.... and on a scale of 1 to over trusting, I AM pretty damn naive....
... and yes, you really ought to meet MY mother, the woman who raised me.

She is a woman with 内涵.  This Mandarin phrase ... how to translate this... this phrase refers to a woman with character, who is educated enough to counsel you and gentle enough to comfort you, whom you will like to sit down, have a cup of tea with and pick her mind, who is a friend always on your side.

Words shift the way we look at the world, individually and collectively.  Once a world view is shifted, mindsets are changed, what I previously thought impossible is now possible.... ah the energy comes to make the world a better and more peaceful place.

"I believe in 6 impossible things before breakfast" - Mad Hatter, "Alice in Wonderland", Lewis Carroll.

Thanks to Sarah Kay, whenever I experience a mental block, the 10 things I know to be true technique gets me out of the block.  Every single time.  You go, sista!

5 Christmas carols

The lights and sounds of Christmas are truly upon us.  The Husband and I have brought the boys out to Orchard Road to see the Christmas light-up.  Christmas carols provide the backdrop to the annual spending.... My extended family throws a party every year at Grandma's house, 1st aunt is the primary cook and the rest of us contribute entrees, mains and deserts.  I have not decided what we will contribute this year yet.... Time for some net surfing :)

These Christmas carols are my current top 5 favourites

• O come O come Emmanuel.  This is the song that opens Christmas mass each year.  The Christmas mystery: why did He come as a baby when He could have been a king of power, glory and might?
• Silent Night.  I remember reading or hearing a story once that during World War 1, the Germans and British, by mutual consent out of a common humanity, laid down arms on Christmas.  Out of the darkness, one lone voice started singing "Silent Night" and the other side responded in their own language.  What a beautiful story! 
• O Holy Night.  I sang in a choir during my undergraduate days.  The choir master implored us to round our vowels when we came to the line "Fall on your knees....", an exhortation rather than a command to fall on the knees.
• Joy to the World.... The Lord is Come.  Every heart has reason to hope. 
• Feliz Navadez.  Simply because the tune is catchy and I do wish you a Merry Christmas!

Leading vs Managing

I was lying in bed trying to rest but my overactive mind is still racing......

A work mentor once told me "Power used against you is called politics; power used for you is called networking.  Be clear which way the powerful winds blow."

My current work team is geographically dispersed, 2 of us in Asia Pacific, 1 in USA and the rest are scattered around Europe.  One of the reasons for changing roles within the Company is to have fewer night calls... my current work scope is global; the new work scope is regional.  At least.... in this Company, I may have a conversation with my boss when she asks me to join a call outside work hours.  Imagine that I have it written in my individual development plan under the authenticity > resilience area to limit my evening calls to 2 a week, or 10 a month. 

My American teammate has bent over backwards to accommodate my request to start team calls at 830pm Singapore time (630am for him in Houston) instead of 930pm.  B, I truly appreciate you, do you know that? *hugs* The other Americans that I have worked with, like to start calls at 930pm, 10pm, 11pm.... I am incoherent at that time after having worked in the day.

I love my work teammates. 

A LOT of that love is the leadership that my ex boss J provided.  And his ex boss H.  Together J and H gave us space to deliver what we had to..... recognising that the amount of work is always more than the time available to do the work.  Now that J has not been my boss for 4 months, and H for nearly a year, the distance of time enables me to see why the team pulled together to deliver the project on 1 Apr, and stabilise it up to end Jul.  This is my take, 4 months down the road, on why my current team is the best team I have ever worked in.... J and H were true leaders, not just managers.

Trust
For J and H, their word is their bond.  When J says he will do it, he will.  When I think of J and H, honesty, integrity, respect come to mind. Because of these personal attributes - honesty, trust, respect - I will always want to spend time with them and around them in the workplace.
I see their behaviours over time.... J stood up for me to H and H's boss, recommended me to lead a continuous improvement project, guided me when I was spitting fire over T's slowness to understand an issue, and then slowness to resolve the issue.... I know I can depend on him.  J's key to building trust is to be authentic, even to the point of being vulnerable and letting us see his flaws.  He used to joke about his lack of admininstrative and advertising skills.
In one face to face meeting, I walked alongside H and asked her 'How do you balance your work and your life?  As a leader of leaders, and as a woman'.  Because I trusted her enought to give me a balanced answer.

Compassion
Great bosses care.  They show genuine compassion, care for their team as a person, not just another cog in the great scheme of things.  J started each week's one-on-one catch up session with me with "How are you?" and he cared about the answer.  When Medium Boy and Small Boy were down with coughs/colds, he knew.  When the Husband needed to be hospitalised and was then jobless, he knew.  When I told him I might need surgery, he knew.  He knew because he asked, and I answered because he offered a friendly ear.  He was the same to all of us.  One teammate (also J, let's call her JE) was in the midst of a marriage breakup early 2010.  J knew about JE's pain, but he never breathed a word to anyone else. 
Every time I talked to H, she exhibited both caring and positive energy.  She might not know the extent of details of my life as J did... however whatever I consulted her about work, she took in, reflected it back to me, and coached me on possible next steps.

Stability
The Company is financially stable.  I have every confidence that my paycheck will come in on time.... the basic need of every employee.  If even this is not fulfilled, why, I might as well set up my own business and take on the vagaries of the economic marketplace.  J as my boss was the one who offered me security, strength, support in terms of what our team goals were.  I know that his core values are stable, and that whatever changes he asks the team to make is necessary ("Define the burning platform = the case for change").  J kept us in the loop on what is expected, and helps me see how what I do impacts the Company's key metrics of process reliability.

Hope
The work team experienced a Dilbert (what the heck is happening?) moment when another person (AL) was inserted at the level above H's boss A.  AL commissioned an external study to test how the team engaged with stakeholders, received some feedback and promptly reorgnised the entire team within the first 2 months of his appointment.  In the midst of this organisational churn, J reassured us by sharing his personal impressions that AL was a leader that knows how the political winds blow, and this shakeup gives the entire team more credibility.  It was interesting really.... how J provided stability for the moment, and hope for the future.

J and H have developed me to the extent, that I am now developing others in the service centres.  They seem to intuitively understand that the only way to lead in perpetuity is to create a network of strong leaders that begins to grow on its own.... sometimes with tiny steps, but still growing....

And THAT is the difference between my previous manager-bosses and J/H, true leader-bosses. 

Sick

When the boys are not well, my sleep is interrupted.  Immunity for everyone goes down, and I am prone to any bug that floats around.  This is one of those times, plus work commitments and volunteer activities picking up.  Stretched to the max.

I need to drop the volunteer activity as soon as I find another willing and able volunteer.  It is an activity that I feel weakened when doing.  Have to force myself to finish the task on hand.

Education Arms Race - not for my boys!

This is what a typical Primary 1 student knows in Singapore at 6 years old before she enters the formal education system.  I gleaned this list from talking to parents with kids 2-3 years older than Medium Boy.

- Recognises, spells and reads phonetically English words.  Be able to finish a storybook by himself.
- Recognises, writes and reads at least 20 Chinese characters.... and I am being charitable when I say 20.  My alma mater would probably require the child to know 200 Chinese characters.
- Addition and subtraction up to 20 is passe.  Multiplication up to the 10 times tables is good.

How to preserve Medium Boy's self esteem in this competitive arena?  First I refuse to be drawn into the P1 arms race to the bottom by choosing the correct school for him.  Next I will further his strong moments in science and spatial intelligence.  He listens well (his auditory sense is like mine!  Mr Bach will appeal to his sense of order... Small Boy hmmm... more of a Beethoven at the moment) and needs a tangible result at the end of his learning process.  Use his strengths in concentrating at his passion..... I still have the video of him at 7 months turning an orchid flower in his tiny hand for 20 minutes.... He is more than capable of focus when he loves the subject matter.  Educate him on cars, wind and the weather.   Those are HIS strong moments.

As a parent, it is heartbreaking for me that the education arms race starts before the time a 6 year old enters formal education.  Singapore is such a competitive society that our preschoolers have become trophies and bragging rights.  Childhood cannot and should not be a race.  I would like for the boys to learn their passions, and retain their love of learning, all through to adulthood.

I take a deep breath..... and I remind myself of the wisdom here.  Hey Medium Boy sat through a (very) short burst of Chinese reading today!  Victory :)

Keep Children in school till 7pm

Consciously deciding whether to have children, and if so, how many, is an inherently personal decision highly sensitive to quality-of-life issues.  Bringing a child into this world is a long term commitment of time, energy and money..... I see more of my peers deciding not to have children simply because they perceive themselves as being unable to commit the time or energy or money to children.  Responsible or irresponsible?  How will this play out in the future for Singapore as a society? 

The game theory concept of the prisoners' dilemma may be applied to this situation.  For the individual, it is a conscious utility-maximising (short term of course, but as the famous 1930s American economist Keynes states "we are all dead in the long run", so who cares about the long term.....) NOT to have children.  Even though the collective effect of all these individual decisions result in an ageing society with fewer people in the 'economically active' age group of 21-55.

Time to rethink what Singapore, and Singaporeans, perceives our prized human capital to be. 

Having children cannot and must not be a pure economic decision..... Values have a big part to contribute to raising Singapore's Total Fertility Rate, currently standing at a dismal 1.2.  I have children because of my personal belief that they bring purpose and meaning to my life.  In no other human relationship does one have complete and utter responsibility for another human being, love etched into the heart, love occupying my waking hours.  Work Life Balance eludes me... and then I am strangely encouraged when even a senior member of the American goverment admits that she cannot have it all.

The headline on Page 3 of the Straits Times "Keep kids in school till 7pm so mums can go to work?" is, in my opinion, delibrately provocative.  I am certain there will be a flurry of letters to the Forum page from working moms as well as stay-at-home moms tomorrow and for days after, so I shall not add to the deluge.  I shall watch this space to see how this part of our national conversation plays out in the media.

"My finger jump up and down, Mama"

I brought Medium Boy and Small Boy to the annual SSO Babies Prom yesterday.  This is the third year that they have gone for the program.  The good thing about Babies Prom is that babies, toddlers and preschoolers are the target audience.  Making noise is not only allowed, it is downright encouraged :)  Such a boon to me, not having to shush 2 active little boys….

There is a segment every year where the ushers choose 3 or 4 young ones to go up and conduct the orchestra.  Young ‘un #3 was a boy about Medium Boy’s height.  He made the orchestra play presto (very very very fast) as he waved the conductor’s baton up and down.  The entire hall burst into laughter and applause as he finished.  The violinists and viola-ists applauded him too…. They waved their bows against the music stands and tapped their feet.  Such fun!

Last night as I was putting both boys to sleep, I spoke to them about the concert.  What was your favourite part, I asked.  Small Boy thought a while, then confidently replied ‘I like my finger jump up and down, Mama….’  Dear reader, are you able to guess what he was referring to?

It took me, slow and sleepy Mama, a few moments to decipher what Small Boy was talking about.

How he has grown

I realise with a start this morning that Medium Boy is tall enough to reach my waist.  I have a photograph of him at 5 months old on my office desk.  His eyes and his expression are exactly the same, especially when he hugs my legs when I return from work and looks up into my eyes.  Friends and relatives say his eyes are like mine.  (So are Small Boy's eyes, but this post is about Medium Boy :) )

He flipped over at 5 months old, crawled at 9 months old, and started to walk at 13 months.  Suddenly he was not where I had put him down.  That was when I felt a pang in my heart for his newborn days.
Then he went to school and took his first steps away from me, away from home...  And the pang in my heart became a throb.

Now he is 4 years (and a few months) old.  Where has my baby gone to?  In his place is a little boy with his own preferences, opinions and ideas.

Primary One, turning into THAT mom

I never wanted to be THAT mom.  You know which one..... that one who hovers around teachers asking for more worksheets, more homework and keeping tabs on how her child is doing academically.  Every class has at least one of them.

Last Saturday I sat down with Medium Boy’s English and Chinese teachers to understand where he is at.  In Nursery 1, the focus was on building self dependency skills.  Medium Boy is a naturally efficient (means he looks for the easiest way to do things, plus he has mastered the art of outsourcing) little boy.  Last year (he was 3 years old), he enlisted the help of another little boy JY to help each other to take off their clothes – yes both the buttoned shirt top and pants - before the teachers showered them.  JY is a mild mannered and non-competitive little boy, same temperament as Medium Boy, so they were happily undressing each other every day.  I had a good laugh when Teacher told me that during the parent teacher meeting last year…. There were no laughs this year……

The focus in N2 [Nursery 2] is on attaining basic literacy and numeracy to prepare for Primary School.  His teachers also feed back that he has a perfectionist streak, needs to see tangible results (he concentrates for 10+minutes at craft classes), and his attention wavers during language lessons.  Most likely due to his word / character recognition skills.  I am reasonably certain he secretly minds very much that his language is not as good as his peers.

Literacy
In N1, Medium Boy was ahead of his classmates.  I had left the Leapfrog alphabet toy on the fridge for him to play with, and he was able to recognize all 26 letters by age 2.  I thought ‘phew!’ and that was the end of my efforts to encourage literacy.  This year has been a harrowing year physically and emotionally, hence I did not read to him consistently.
On Saturday I learnt that most of his classmates are able to write each letter of the alphabet, write letters together to form simple words (I think that means words with a maximum of 7 letters), and be able to phonetically sound each letter to put together the sound of the whole word.  Medium Boy cannot do all this…. 
His Chinese character recognition is equally dismal.  The Chinese character for me/I 我 appears on every single Chinese reader that he has brought home.... His Chinese teacher had tried giving him one on one lessons which he reluctantly listened to and promptly forgets all about...  Medium Boy is a perfectionist and he hates to lose face in front of teacher... if he is not 100% confident in answering, he clams up and/or changes the topic.

Numeracy
I taught Medium Boy his numbers and he was again able to recognize the 10 numerals and rote count up to 20.  I toss him a problem sum like “Mama has 5 fans, you have 2 fans, how many fans do we have altogether” to test his grasp of addition, and “The coconut tree has 5 coconuts.  2 birds flew in and took away 3 coconuts.  How many coconuts are left on the tree now?” to test his subtraction concept.  His addition and subtraction is fine up to the number 5.  I am not too sure about his grasp up to the number 10, as he tends to giggle and run away once I get beyond 5.  I also taught him how to negotiate with me for one more song, one more story and one more youtube fan video.  In this way, he learnt that 4 is a bigger than 3, and 3 is a bigger number than 2.  His teachers confirm that his numeracy is good for his age.

Social
Medium Boy’s social skills continue to be excellent.  He is slow to warm up (typical introvert, like me).  However, once he is comfortable with a person, he will chatter non stop.  Teacher K told me that he leads his friends in conversation at the dining table, and steers the conversation towards fans and motors.  A very sociable and chatty boy is my Medium Boy, when the topic of fans comes up.

What I will do now to increase his literacy

·         Read to him every day one book for 5 minutes.  Heck, I will even read fan brochures if he wants to.

·         Write one word every day on a single lined A4 paper.  I will let him choose the word.  I suspect his first word will be fan, motor, propeller, engine and other fan related words.  I will refrain from internal eye rolling and be glad he is writing.

·         Enrol him into Berries for Chinese language classes.

Ok, I am calmer today.  It has been 4 days of internal hand wringing, regrouping and coming up with tangible mitigating actions as I grapple with the fact that Primary One 7 year old kids in Singapore go to school knowing hanyu pinyin [anglicized phonetics] for Chinese, reading a simple book in English and knowing how to add up to figures in the hundreds …. I do not want to google what is the numeracy requirement for P1, it would freak me out again, I am sure….
He is changing schools to a Montessori based one next year.  I hope, I pray that the Montessori approach with its value of starting the learning journey for each individual will do Medium Boy good, and that he will settle in soon with his new classmates.

Oh gosh, I am turning into THAT mom.