Before marriage, there is an understanding between the Husband and myself that the marriage contains only 2 of us plus any children that result from our love for each other. As the boys came along one after the other in quick succession, I realize that both pairs of grandparents have markedly different opinions on education, schooling, morals, chores and how children should behave in general. From my personal observations and the stories I hear amongst friends, this is a common problem amongst married couples nearing the 5-7 year stage, or when the eldest child is 2-3 years away from primary school education.
Suddenly my marriage seems a tad crowded....
What then to do? There is no magic answer to wave away this problem. A healthy dose of imagination to put yourself in the shoes of the other set of grandparents… to understand where they are coming from… and a belief that they truly love and want the best (however that is defined) for the grandchildren, go a long way.
But…. Why is my man so dense in this area? I am struggling to figure out whether it is just him, or common to all mankind.
hey Celine
ReplyDeleteI fully understand. It is a "man"kind problem. I think most problems lie with how the husband communicates with his family. While I "manage" my parents, hubby doesn't. All parents are convinced their way is best, us included. Keep lines of communication open, show and tell the husband how you have smoothed the path w your own parents. So grin, bear it and politely disagree on what matters most to you. Over the years, I hv found it is easier to "soften" the impact when sisters in law can see where we are coming from and talk to the elders - but it took more than 10 years for the in-laws to realise it is not me vs the in-laws. Likewise I do the same for my brother's problems w my parents so that he and his partner's paths are easier...
SS
SS, I want to hug you la, for letting me know I am not alone! :) You are a fantastic DIL, daughter, sister and SIL for smoothing the way for everyone.
ReplyDeleteO_O 10 whole years!!
I do smooth the way too, but the husband doesnt seem to appreciate. Never mind, never mind, I just do my part.
hey Celine
ReplyDeleteHugs, chin up girl :) Even after so long, it's still a long way as every relationship is always a work in progress and I am only human.. It is human to be unhappy when things don't work our way. Close girlfriends understand and will be your venting board. Hubby will too in time even though he may not show it too often as they are after all his beloved parents. Chin up, continue to show and tell ( I made the mistake of doing it without show n tell so the effort is not understood). I always remind myself, what goes round comes back. So if we are filial to the elders, our children will be too?
SS